There are times when you realize that Moms just don’t get enough credit. Obviously they carried you for nine months (or in my case 7, but it’s ok to cut corners sometimes, babies are heavy and I think my brain is mostly developed). They tend to you when you are sick and somehow understand what you are blubbering about when you call and you’ve had a bad day and your neighbor has yelled at you. They also come over to your house and say “no thank you I would not like a lemon drop martin”i and then proceed to drink one in the kitchen with you anyways. Then they put polycrylic on your cabinets because you hate that step and vacuum up dog hair without saying “I raised you better/cleaner than this” and use crowbars to get 18 inch long nails out of your subflooring and paint all the trim in your house so that you feel like you moved into a new house instead of a yellowed 70’s house. That is what moms do.
My mom also is the queen of text messaging. I’ve had to stop checking her text messages in public places because I end up snorting in the corner… and I don’t snort.
Here is a sampling. Spelling is left as is. Back story will be given when necessary. Look for the asterisk or listen for the chime and turn the page.
Me: [Sends mom picture of pretty sunrise and hellacious giant cargo van that I am driving for work]
Mom: That is gorge as the Kardashion sisters* would say. Now drive it with one blind eye** in a driving rain to pick up wood flooring.*** Oh yeah.
Me: Driving it at six a.m. while listening to preprogrammed spanish stations was hard enough.
Mom: Touche Thats spanish for “you got me”.
Me: Lo siento mi amore. That’s french for “good one”
Mom: We are so Internationale i am sending you a picture of the pickax marks from trying to kill the snake.**** He kept moving you will see
Mom: I kept getting hit in the face by concret chips and thought this is how i will die getting a chip in my good eye cant see then bit by a snake
Me: [receives picture of decimated concrete] Oh my. Crying. Nice grouping!!!
*Mom secretly loves the Kardashians.
**Mom is blind in one eye.
***I rented a V8 sprinter cargo van (GIANT) and mom drove it like a boss to God knows where to pick up 2 tons of wood flooring for my house. It rained the hardest it’s ever rained and she returned non plussed.
****Mom was cleaning up the yard at home and lifted a trashcan lid only to find a 2 foot long copperhead coiled underneath. She calmly put up her German shepherd, wielded a pickax and chopped him into 3 pieces. The driveway did not survive either. This happened at the same time my Aunt drank pineapple juice only to find a dead salamander at the bottom of the pitcher. We refer to this day as “the olsen sisters vs the wild”.
Mom: Found Pottery barn books one about bathrooms the other about diningrooms. Looks better than that outdoor book I got you where you need an infinity pool and view of mountain.
Mom: Obviously will give to you after I have perused them. Love you mucho.
Me: Does this mean I can stop building that paper mache view of Tahoe?
Mom: Nooooo. However just to be a bit more edgey, might I suggest turning into a volcano. Vinegar and baking soda are cheap
Me: But I don’t want to get lava on my paper mache bmw and gucci handbag
Mom: What does mommy say* about little girls who are afraid of lava ruining things? I think you know.
Me: Mommy says little girls who are afraid of lava ruining things grow up to be mommies who are afraid of little girls ruining their carpeting with blood**
Mom: Very good. However they also usually become addicted to heroin and pregnant without a clue who the father is.
Me: I am so thankful I have you to guide me.
Mom: I know. You are super lucky.
Me: I’m just shocked you don’t have your own advice column.
Mom: I KNOW! Whats up with that anyway. Betsy just texted me asking me to pray she would get a job. I told her to quit wasting my time.
*Our family has an unhealthy infatuation with Stuart from mad TV.
**A thinly veiled reference to the “great baseball debacle of 1991”. My brother threw a baseball to me, I missed it and it drilled me in the face. I lost teeth and looked like a donkey for weeks. Mom had just gotten new white carpeting in the house and when I showed up at the front door bleeding profusely she screamed “DON’T GET BLOOD ON THE CARPET!”. Now, having a house of my own, I understand the sentiment.