Worst. Fire Dog. Ever.

So a couple days ago I decided to have a small bonfire in the backyard.  My friend Carson left his firepit at my house and the weather was at that perfect temperature for a fire. (The kind of temps where you are content to sit AROUND the fire, as opposed to the kind of temps where you see how close you can come to actually climbing IN the fire without being reduced to a smoldering down jacket and ashes.)

Bonfires are not merely a tradition in our family. They’re genetic. My Dad burned his house down when he was five years old,  my Uncle burned his tree house down and my Grandpa Len caught his field on fire yearly. It got to the point where the fire department was expecting his phonecall.

Thankfully, I am a professional and don’t have to worry about that facet of my genetics.

I live in Marietta, which has thousands of old trees that are constantly shedding giant limbs and smaller limbs and medium sized limbs and on occasion whole trees into my yard.

This makes the backyard Mecca for my dog.

But it looks like schlount and we’re trying to gentrify the neighborhood.

I set about burning all the little sticks and brush and twigs and limbs that I could find.

Things were going beautifully. My roommate got home from work and we sat around the fire and drank tea.*

Then a little ember dropped and started a tiny fire. I stood up and calmly tapped it out with my chaco. (Is it Chaco weather? Not exactly. But I love them.)

The fire spread.

I grabbed the shovel and started beating the flames out with the end.

WOOSH. The flames were out of control. The yard was on fire and disaster was about to strike as the flames edged towards our precious Astroturf.™**

Cat yelled: “I’ll GET THE HOSE!” She frantically started unwinding and unkinking the incredibly cheap hose I’d purchased at Wal-Mart for 5 dollars. (Turns out there are some things you should not cheap out on.)(A hose is one of them.  Coffee is the other.)

She tossed the end to me and I stood at the ready while she twisted the nozzle on. (It looked EXACTLY like Backdraft.)

Here is a picture a neighbor snapped of me fighting the fire.

Water shot out of the end of the hose and lo and behold. The fire spread.

WHAT?!

It was then that I looked down in the midst of the flames that were spreading and noticed Decoy calmly drinking out of the hose. She looked up as if to say “Thanks, Mom. I was thirsty. Also did you know the yard is on fire?”

*Bourbon.

**Oh. And the house.

Armorall you are my nemesis.

Lesson learned:

Don’t Armorall your brake pedal.

I don’t think this warrants much explaining. I knew better and I did it anyways. The upside is that every driving trip is an adventure and I’m pretty sure I would qualify for the Olympic ice skating team now.



Shooting this video was more dangerous than you’d think…

How to be overly competitive, even at the dog park.

Sometimes I take my dog to the dog park. Usually this happens when I am guilt ridden due to the fact that the dog is stuck guarding my 1000 square foot shack for 9 hours a day. (This doesn’t take a lot of energy, seeing as she can walk the perimeter of the house in .2 seconds.) Regardless, I take her to the dog park not to socialize her, but because I am too tired to take her on a 30 mile run, nor am I about to strap on rollerblades and lead her on a 4 hour session through the mountains of L.A. (a. Seriously? WHO ROLLERBLADES ANYMORE? b. Don’t live in L.A.)

Oh. Sorry, Cesar.

My point here is, I take her to the dog park in the hopes that she’ll figure out how to join a pack of dogs and run around at break neck speed thus wearing herself out.

Unfortunately this never happens. She sniffs around a little, occasionally greets another dog… and then spends the rest of the time orbiting me incessantly. This forces me to say embarrassing things like: “Go play.” “Go play with the other dogs, Decoy.”

Anyways. Today some la-di-da Doctor shows up with his German Shepherd. That’s fine. I like German Shepherds. But he’s pretentious. I say: “Nice shepherd.” And he says: “she’s from the Eurooopeeeeaaaaan shooooow line.” (no big deal, right? no no my friends. In the dog world he’s letting me know she’s not an american german shepherd like MY dog.) He’s wearing scrubs, cowboy boots,

Europeeeeaaaaan shoooooow line.

and a ridiculous looking scarf and immediately starts barking commands in German at his dog. SITZ! PLATZ! Oh PLEEEEEEAAAAAASEEEE. You can train your dog to sit to ANY command: Apache, HINKY-PINKY! (Apache sits.) Apache, FLAMBOYANT! (Apache lays down.) Apache, HOWDY! (Apache comes.)

But, people always fall for the ole commands in another language trick. So he’s screaming orders at his dog and I couldn’t help it. I sidle up and find myself giving decoy the hand signals I taught her. They’re not complicated nor are they all that impressive. Most dogs dig the hand signals. The folks at the dog park shift their gaze from him to me, impressed. I totally stole his thunder.

I am a grown woman and I got competitive at a dog park.

My faithful dog has been Hijacked

I come home from work the other day to find this:

What the heck?!?! That’s MY dog! Decoy didn’t even take the time to try to act repentant. She just looked up at me like: What? This is no big deal. Sometimes I ignore you and sneak into Cat’s room to cuddle with her.

Oh and by the way, I’m almost out of dogfood.

Gear Head. (Not to be confused with headgear.)

I work at REI, a spectacular company that feels more like a family. This could be in part due to the fact that for the past 3 years I have lived in some capacity with co-workers from REI, both in tents and in houses, or due to the fact that my boss worries about my safety more than my own mother, but I’m getting off track.

I get thousands* of text messages, emails and phone calls regarding gear. Which one is best? Why is it best? That is expensive. Why is it expensive? Do you like the North Face Denali? (No.) Can you get me a discount? (No.) Do you sell rollerblades? (No.)

So here is my gear list. My favorite gear and in my opinion… the best gear. You may feel otherwise… but that is just because you’re not as smart as me. Regardless, feel free to disagree. But disagree knowing that I will at some point send a hoard of ninjas into your house to slice holes in your 8 lb. synthetic-flannel-lined-sleeping bag.

Backpack:

For Women: Osprey Ariel 75 [4 lbs. 12 oz. 4400 cubic inches]                                                                                                                                                             Blanket statement: Everyone has their own favorite brand… this is mine. The majority of companies on the market are ripping off their design, it’s the Jennifer Aniston haircut of packs.

OR

Osprey Kestrel 68 [4 lbs. 4000 cubic inches]

For Men: Osprey Aether 7o [5 lbs. 1 oz. 4200 cubic inches]

OR

Osprey Kestrel 68 [4 lbs. 4000 cubic inches]

Sleeping Bag:

Cold Weather: Marmot Plasma +15 [1 lb. 14 oz]                                                                             I would marry this bag. Waterproof, windproof, super light.

Warm Weather: Marmot Atom +40 [1 lb. 5 oz]                                                                            I still miss the Marmot Pounder, but this one is water repellant.

Ground pad:

Closed cell: Therm-a-Rest Z-lite [14 oz]                                                                             Regular length. I know a lot of people that try to shave extra weight off by buying the shorter length. Fine by me! Plus it makes it more fun for everyone else watching as you try to curl up in the fetal position on your half-of-a-ground pad.

Self-Inflating: Therm-a-Rest ProLite [16 oz]                                                                            They finally put little grips on the bottom so that it doesn’t slide all over your tent AND they come in pink!

Tent:

2 Man and a dog: REI Quarter Dome T2 Plus [4 lbs. 4 oz]

1 Man: REI Quarter Dome T1 [2 lbs. 13 oz]

Ultra Light: Hennessy Hammock Hyperlight A-Sym Hammock Shelter [26 oz]               This is not as warm as a tent for cold weather… bring a warmer sleeping bag then you normally would on cold trips.

Stove:

For the impatient: Jet Boil Sol with Coffee Press [10.5 oz]

For the patient/Gourmet cooks: Soto OD-1R Micro Regulator Stove [2.6 oz]

Cookware:

Cookset:

Ultra-light: Snow Peak Titanium Multi Compact Cookset [11.6 oz]                                        One of the lighter cooksets out there, but I don’t like how shallow they are.

Function: REI Ti Ware Nonstick Titanium Cookset [18 oz]                                             Heavier, yes. But it functions better than the Snow Peak cookset due to depth.

Plate:

Snow Peak Titanium Plate [2 oz]                                                                                                    It’s better than eating off of a leaf.

Utensils:

Spork: Sea to Summit Alpa Light Spork [o.3 oz]                                                        IT’S MADE OF AIRCRAFT GRADE ALUMINUM ALLOY. It’s like getting a pony for Christmas.

Mug:

Double duty: Snow Peak Titanium Trek 700 [4.25 oz]                                                          Doubles as a Pot for cooking.

Straight up Mug: Snow Peak Titanium Double-Wall Cup [4.2 oz]                                      Because there is nothing cool about burning your lips off.

Headlamp:

Black Diamond Spot [3.1 oz]                                                                                                          By far my favorite headlamp. It has two awesome settings: the Spot, which shoots down the trail and illuminates potential bear/attack racoon encounters, and the LED  setting, which  allows you to save battery life whilst arguing over which way is North on your map for the fifteenth time.

Camp chair:

The Classic Crazy Creek [20.7 oz]

OR

The Alite Monarch [18 oz]                                                                                                               Do not choose this chair if you are large and in charge OR if you don’t trust your friends not to shove you over.

Footwear:

River Sandals/Hiking Sandals/Bridesmaid Sandals:

Chaco Z/2 [23 oz]                                                                                                                       Most comfortable hiking shoe OR sandal I’ve ever worn. Endorsed by the American Podiatry Association.They can’t be beat.



Hiking Boots:

For Men: Asolo Fugitive GTX [2 lbs. 13 oz]

For Women: Asolo Stynger GTX [2lbs. 8 oz]

Camp Shoes:

Crocs: Though it pains me to put it on here… They ARE pretty light.                                      (And super dumb looking.)

Rain Jacket:

For Men and Women: Arcteryx Beta AR SL [9.9 oz]                                                               I’ve had an Arcteryx jacket for 5 years… it has never failed, is incredibly durable and has a skeleton on it for street cred.

Miscellaneous Gear that you will figure out a way to justify:

Snow Peak Hozuki LED Lantern [5.9 oz]                                                                                   This thing is spectacular. Incredibly expensive but awesome. Bright but ambient lighting, great for those nights when you get creeped out in the backcountry. (Not that I’ve ever been creeped out in the backcountry. But someone less brave might be.)

Soto Torch [1.8 oz]                                                                                                                       Best possible buy. Takes a cheapo gas station lighter (the rectangular ones) and converts it to a windproof blow-torch. The lighter lasts forever too. Why are the Japanese so smart?

CRKT Mt. Rainier Knife [2.9 oz]                                                                                               Cheap. Light. Does the trick.

Snow Peak Titanium French Press [7 oz]                                                                                  Not necessary if you have the jetboil. Totally necessary otherwise. Unless you don’t drink coffee. In which case we’re not friends.

Ultimate Survival Technologies Sabercut Saw [6 oz]

Pants and Underwear** are up to you.

*Ok like a couple texts a day. But STILL.

**But I have it on good authority that these are the best.

Dear IRS,

First off, I don’t like you. I never have. I have many reasons for this which I will not go into right now. But let’s just say that you are all blood sucking parasites without souls. (At best.)

Which brings me (abruptly) to your choice in hold music.

Perhaps in the future you could not borrow your music from those terminal illness commercials.

Calling you is depressing enough.

Thus concludes my segment of tax free advice.